Some lessons in life come naturally.
They grow organically in the back of your mind until they finally
settle within your system to blend into your wall of wisdom. Others,
however, hit you like a hammer and shake the wall's foundations.
Becoming a parent is probably one of the most “traumatic” and yet
therapeutic experiences. It comes with all sorts of concrete and
abstract obligations, sentiments and resolutions. And while everyone
around you seems to know everything better than you and overwhelms
you with a colourful and incoherent puzzle of advice, you still need
to figure out for yourself who you are as a mum. As a dad. As someone
who suddenly becomes the most important person in the world. And this
very circumstance constitutes the one thing that surprised me the
most. On the spur of a moment, my existence gained a significance
that didn't go well with the beliefs of an amateur existentialist.
Now, almost two years later, this novel perception has turned into an
utterly fulfilling affair and I find myself babbling about the
meaning of life. I have realised that being self-centred – a habit
that is not exactly my second nature - is the key ingredient to
parenting. Why? Because there is someone whose happiness and
well-being depends on you – completely. So your happiness, health,
sanity and value backbone have to be secured, protected and defended
as only a happy, healthy, sane and morally firm person can provide
these little people with the framework they deserve and need to grow.
Translated into other words this means that you need to stock up on
self-respect and self-reflection in order to become a model that is
fit to take care and fit to be copied. Because that's what children
do. They copy. They learn by imitating. Sometimes, when I observe my
child, I feel like somebody is holding up a mirror. My child's
gestures, intonation and movements bear an uncanny resemblance to
mine. And it is a very natural reaction to try to be the best version
of yourself when facing your reflection. And this, I find quite
amusing. I expected myself to get out of focus and sink into oblivion
during parenthood but to my utter astonishment I learned that I need to take care of myself, too, if I want to take
care of someone else the best possible way. I learned to put myself first – with a very
selfless intention.
"The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who had loved you
all your life (...)"
~ Derek Walcott (Love after Love)
